Pants Are Necessary Things - Seriously!

We, the Citizens who think Pants Are Necessary Things, Seriously! (PANTS) are concerned that tiny-person nudity is an epidemic sweeping the nation, causing wanton licentiousness, suggestive hoopla, blindness, and a corruption of the morals of our most precious asset, the children! Some little people have been known to lie around for days, weeks, nay sometimes months completely naked! I shudder to think what sort of lascivious thoughts might come unbidden to the unformed and malleable mind of a child who unwittingly happens upon such an obscene display! With just a tiny $2.69 donation for a tiny cause, you can ensure that such a scene will never mar the dignity and minuscule majesty that is Balsa Man! PANTS will fight tiny-person pantslessness with several specially-developed tools, including our PANTS Trebuchet and our PANTS Cannon, designed to render the pantsless incapable of exposing their hairless, bland crotches to the unguarded eyes of innocents. We will provide pants to any tiny-person without them, and will “convince” those who might be obstinate with the use of our arsenal.

In the name of decency,

Signed, The Puny Pants Posse, aka The Society of Pants for the Wee, aka What Part of Pants Don’t You Understand!

At first, the BPAF art grant review committee was hesitant to award monetary funds to “theme camps,” lest these “theme camps” become popular and get out of hand. However, we can all agree that pants are a necessary thing, and the word alone makes one giggle. Puny Pants Posse: APPROVED. pantspantspants!

YOU CAN PANTS IF YOU WANT TO – YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR PANTS BEHIND

And if you do happen to leave your pants behind, the Puny Pants Posse would also like to invite you to “The Party In Our Pants” which will take place at Balsa Man, from 6:30 pm to 7:30 pm. Pantsocolodas will be served – BYO tiny reusable cup! Come admire the wall of tiny pants (pantitos?) and fire a pair of slacks from the pants trebuchet!

Anyway, we had Joseph check the Balsa Man bylaws and it doesn’t say anything about how many temples Balsa Man is supposed to have. So, Balsa Man 2009 might go down as the year of the dueling temples: The Temple of Minor Irregularities Vs. the Temple of Pet Peeves.

Congratulations Sophia & Ray! The BPAF has granted you a tiny art grant of $2 for your Temple of Pet Peeves or whatever it is you are planning on building.

Now remember we gave you a grant so uh… if the gnomes tell you to do anything bad to us—or our pets—don’t listen to them!

As unfortunate as this is, we did not fret long for in the mail we found this joyful grant proposal!

A homage to bit Michael Christian and Cute Overload! I didn’t know that was even possible! Our dispair dissipated, everyone on the BPAF grant review committee instantly raised their hands in favor of awarding Rachel and her art project Fleck a tiny art grant of $5.

UPDATE

Rachel has already crafted her adorable Fleck which can be seen here: Fleck on Flickr

Never fear for the Balsars are here! The amazing team of Greg Andrea, Betania, and Jeff are bringing these little 1/16 scale participants to life in balsa. The tiny Balsars will even have little Porta-potties! And all they ask for is $2 for blue paint so that the Balsars can find their porta-potties—how can we not fund some a perfect project?

Congratulations Team Balsar for your award of $2 from the BPAF!

Balsa Man may be a short event but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pack the essentials. Of course, you could easily pack everything in your hipster messenger bag, your purse, or your murse. However, a true tiny artist packs with flair. For this reason, the BPAF art grant review committee is more than happy to award Twirlerette with an art grant of $5 for her tiny art project Tiny Luggage, to carry tiny art.

Please note, in no way were we swayed by the absolutely adorable “OMG aren’t they so freak’n cute!” prairie dogs chilling with the Balsa Man.

While we have no idea why she wants to go all the way out to the desert we applaud her for her motivation to give fellow desert campers something to do out there in that boring expanse of nothingness.

In fact Kristen has been so amazingly prolific she has sent us two art proposals both of which the BPAF art review committee has considered worthy of award.

Garden of Tiny Delights

Balsa Man Regional’s first ever Garden of Tiny Delights! Like the Hieronymous Bosch triptych! Depicting several scenes of the human condition in grand but tiny glorious 3-D scale!

We gotcher Tree of Knowledge, made of shiny foil + a pipe cleaner snake, some sort of crazy middle arena which is basically heaven on earth and containing fantastical animals and some turkish delight (but don’t eat it because who knows whether that material is toxic), and over on the right there’ll be your hellish fire arts and raver penguins who took it just TOO FAR. Is it a metaphor for the danger of hedonism? Or a wondrous image of paradise lost? YOU BE THE JUDGE!

Tiny 2piR

Tiny 2piR. Because we need fire art at the regional!
Note: colors may be swapped out at the last minute.

Congratulations Kristen! For your Garden of Tiny Delights we grant you one dollar per exhibit, which totals $9 as Smuckles doesn’t count since he is a guest. For your Tiny 2piR, we award your full grant request of $3.

UPDATE: Kristen has already begun working on her fine art projects! See photo of 2piR a one of the raver penguins at the Regional Tiny Temple.

Bill Clinton and a grant proposal for a miniature version of “the Belgium Waffle?” Who knows what this means—as if there was only one belgium waffle in all of existence.

Well at least we’re only down $2. Congratulations, Crash! I can’t wait to see your “Pom Petit” belgium waffle—really, we are overjoyed that you will be making art for Balsa Man.

For these reasons and more, Balsa Man has approved it’s first vendor: Polar, the one and only location where you can buy precious ice at Balsa Man! All proceeds of ice will be donated to local charitiable organizations.

Polar will be no boring vendor, Veronica Fetzner and Simon Sutherland’s artistic vision using foam core for Polar is excellent and their detailed postcard encapsulates why the Black Pebble Arts Foundation has chosen to award them a tiny art grant of $15 so they can buy baggies. This is a large grant by the BPAF standards, but we feel it’s justified due to the importance of having ice available at Balsa Man.

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Congratualations Veronica & Simon!

Ultimately we were really won over by the arguement that the 1/16th Indian Tacos while not necessarily to scale physically are conceptually to scale as the chef themself is 1/16th Indian.

Congratulations Courtney and Roy, which ever one of you is 1/16th Indian has been awarded $5 for the purchase of Bisquick to make frybread!

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All additional Tiny Art Grant awards will have to wait until after the BPAF tiny art grant review committee has had lunch.

Another reviewer started furiously digging through our bylaws to see if animals are even allowed at Balsa Man. To top it all of, Randy Razorwire started shouting “it’s obviously an ad! We can’t give this capitalist stooge a single red cent.”

Then after Sunshine took a Xanax and Razorwire took a smoke break, then somebody, finally somebody, had the foresight to turn the postcard over…

“Oh.” was the only word said for about five minutes.

A sandwich on wheels with a firecracker shoved in it. Now that is a piece of art the BPAF can stand behind. That is art that makes sense.

Razorwire was still against it because what he felt was an “obvious capitalist attempt to destroy the very heart of Balsa Man,” but the rest of us felt the Roving Hoagie was a great idea totally deserving of a tiny art grant award of $5.

Congratulations Sandwich Girl and the rest of Team Hoagie!

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